I don't remember. Are we still dating?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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