My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
