Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Boobs speak an international language.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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