3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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