i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
