im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
