yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
