found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.