I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
