I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.