I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back