as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket