Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
