I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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