He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
