Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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