not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize