please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he fucked my hip out of place.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
