I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
