Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
