I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a search helicopter?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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