My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
