There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
