Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
