I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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