we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
