I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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