cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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