I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
