They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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