I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
