Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
