It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
