drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
