Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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