"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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