Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
