i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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