Umm I'm too high to move.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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