I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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