I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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