how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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