Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Congratulations! We have a period
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
