This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
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