My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
