Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
