that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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