he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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