i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
