ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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