I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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