Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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