I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
