So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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