hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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