so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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