I got chris browned last night
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
