Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
