Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
