Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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