evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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