Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
