I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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