I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
